Sadness Always Finds a Way

Even in the strangest ways.

So I got up, drank some water, and the first thing I did was make my bed. Oddly enough, I felt a pang of guilt and sadness lingering. My former spouse used to get me to help her make the bed quite often and for some reason that burrowed itself into my head this morning. 

In our failed marriage, there were major mistakes that were made but those weren't the leading cause for us getting a divorce. It was the small stuff, that really just turned into one long degradation of our happiness.

Somewhere along the way, we stopped going to bed together. That was mainly my fault, always staying up too late. I was afraid, for some reason, of the ending of each day. I would feel the need to put the brakes on, and I'd end up throwing my sleep schedule off again and again. Then along the way, I lost my libido. She wasn't unattractive, indeed she was quite beautiful. I just ended up losing interest. The times we did have a go, I would constantly underperform. I couldn't keep my apathy out of the sack.

We weren't the same people that we were when we first married. She grew into a better person, in many ways. I stagnated into a worse person than I was. We both still had major flaws as well as good things about us, but what we grew into was incompatible with the other.

Alcohol also played a major infraction on our marriage. We both drank too much. Sometimes I would drink too much, while she would attempt to hold back, and other times it was vice versa. Sometimes it was both at once. Very rarely did those occasions end on a positive note.

After we split, my drinking got worse for a short bit before I managed to get a DUI. Now I've been sober for three months. Craig Furgeson said once when talking about alcohol abuse in his prior years, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." That sounds about right. I have an addictive personality that feeds on just about everything that feels good in one way or another. Thank God I've never given into trying drugs of any kind or I would be so far gone by now. 

I can say porn and cigarettes is the extent of my addictions currently, which is better than it has been. I used to waste countless hours on video games as well. Now I've gotten a bit bored of them. Well, console games, that is. I still waste plenty of time on mobile games too.

Every once in a while, the memories of what our marriage was like at first, pop into my head. We still barely knew each other back then, which wasn't a good thing but did keep things fresh. We were still learning each other. It was almost magical at times. 

I'll never know that again unless I learn to fix myself first.

Drank more water, wrote, and I don't wanna talk about it.

Day 5

1. Make Bed- Done
2. Write - Done
3. Read - War and Peace
4. Sketch - Not a clue
5. Exercise - Squats?
6. Drink water - 100 oz