Another Day Goes By

Yet nothing changes...

Once again, I find myself in the mood to not write anything. I can't give into to not at least completing this simple task. I have to keep building momentum.

Maybe that can be me one day.

I haven't got around to sketching anything yet. I'm not really sure what I want to sketch. One of my biggest ailments is that I'm a perfectionist. If I can't do what I'm setting out to do perfectly, then I tend not to try at all. This has been a major flaw in my thinking for as long as I can remember. I'm afraid of failing, and yet this turns my life into one giant failure. It's ridiculous.

In this circumstance, it pertains to sketching since I haven't done so in such a long time that I know I'll suck at it. I have to try anyway, I think.  Not sure what I'll draw though.

I've been eating a lot of junk food lately, which only adds to my apathy. I feel gross and lethargic. It makes everything all that much harder to get done. It almost feels like I've been trapped in a dark cave, watching the shadows of people pass me by. I almost feel, at times, that I'm resigned to live this life of loneliness and mundane existence.

I wonder if I'm alone in this depravity.

I wrote, made my bed, drank more water (but didn't hit my goal), and that's about it....

Day 6

1. Make Bed - Done
2. Write - Done
3. Read
4. Sketch
5. Drink Water
6. Exercise

I might add, I am feeling pretty damn empty right now. This sucks.

Sadness Always Finds a Way

Even in the strangest ways.

So I got up, drank some water, and the first thing I did was make my bed. Oddly enough, I felt a pang of guilt and sadness lingering. My former spouse used to get me to help her make the bed quite often and for some reason that burrowed itself into my head this morning. 

In our failed marriage, there were major mistakes that were made but those weren't the leading cause for us getting a divorce. It was the small stuff, that really just turned into one long degradation of our happiness.

Somewhere along the way, we stopped going to bed together. That was mainly my fault, always staying up too late. I was afraid, for some reason, of the ending of each day. I would feel the need to put the brakes on, and I'd end up throwing my sleep schedule off again and again. Then along the way, I lost my libido. She wasn't unattractive, indeed she was quite beautiful. I just ended up losing interest. The times we did have a go, I would constantly underperform. I couldn't keep my apathy out of the sack.

We weren't the same people that we were when we first married. She grew into a better person, in many ways. I stagnated into a worse person than I was. We both still had major flaws as well as good things about us, but what we grew into was incompatible with the other.

Alcohol also played a major infraction on our marriage. We both drank too much. Sometimes I would drink too much, while she would attempt to hold back, and other times it was vice versa. Sometimes it was both at once. Very rarely did those occasions end on a positive note.

After we split, my drinking got worse for a short bit before I managed to get a DUI. Now I've been sober for three months. Craig Furgeson said once when talking about alcohol abuse in his prior years, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." That sounds about right. I have an addictive personality that feeds on just about everything that feels good in one way or another. Thank God I've never given into trying drugs of any kind or I would be so far gone by now. 

I can say porn and cigarettes is the extent of my addictions currently, which is better than it has been. I used to waste countless hours on video games as well. Now I've gotten a bit bored of them. Well, console games, that is. I still waste plenty of time on mobile games too.

Every once in a while, the memories of what our marriage was like at first, pop into my head. We still barely knew each other back then, which wasn't a good thing but did keep things fresh. We were still learning each other. It was almost magical at times. 

I'll never know that again unless I learn to fix myself first.

Drank more water, wrote, and I don't wanna talk about it.

Day 5

1. Make Bed- Done
2. Write - Done
3. Read - War and Peace
4. Sketch - Not a clue
5. Exercise - Squats?
6. Drink water - 100 oz

Let's Think About This..

Changing up strategy.

I did some pushups, but not as many as I was hoping to do. I think I made an error in doing them after I had just eaten, so I felt fairly fatigued in doing so. I should really make a point to exercise in the morning before I've eaten. 

Didn't make my bed. Didn't read. Didn't sketch. This is getting old. These blog posts aren't really going to do me any good if I just keep writing the same updates over and over and over.

What I'm going to do is come up with a list of daily to do's and try to be extensive as possible and shoot to complete as many as possible, and hopefully continuously complete more than I did the day prior. Maybe that will help.

I'll leave the list the same for today, and come up with one for tomorrow's post.

I drank more water though.

In other news, I had a job interview today that went fairly well. So that's something. Getting a job, either part time or full time is the most important thing at the moment. 

Kind of a short post today, but I don't have a whole lot to say this time. Kind of feeling lethargic, at the moment.

1. Write - done... duh.
2. Read - Seriously though.
3. Exercise - I think I'll try to get in some sit-ups tonight. 
4. Make Bed - this should really be done first thing in the morning. 
5. Sketch - I'm confident I'll get this one done today.
6. Drink water - I drank more yesterday, but I'd really like to top up on this. It'll help me get in shape at any rate.

That's all folks!

Get a Job You Bum!

Wasting time is wasting my soul.

I am starting college full time in a week, so at least there's that. I don't really know what I'm passionate about though. Or, at the very least, I don't have any passions that I know of that will make me a living. I'm the type of person to get insanely interested in something and spent numerous hours learning about it, but then my interest will fizzle. So far, none of those short-lived interests have even been a viable way to make money.

On the other hand, some of my interests that could lead to any type of career seem are ones that require so much work to achieve, that I don't even bother starting a pursuit of. Mainly because.. well, you know.. I'm a lazy imbecile. With college, at least I'll be forcing myself to learn new things, and perhaps I'll discover my passion along the way.

Aside from that, I absolutely need to get a job ASAP. It's one of the worst feelings I know of, to have to leech off of others in order to continue existing. I've had plenty of jobs in the past, and some pretty high paying ones at that. However, I continuously manage to fuck them up. It's as though I hit a brick wall, internally, and become absolutely worthless. I laid the bricks to form that wall, over time, and now I'm struggling to take it down. 

I don't start out a job being worthless though. In reality, I'm actually a hard worker right off the bat. But the moment I realize that job is a dead end, or boring as fuck, or especially if I lose respect for the person/people I'm working for, I met as well quit then because I literally lose all motivation.

My resume pretty impressive, to be honest, so there's nothing holding me back from getting a job now. I just tend to take too much time before getting another one, each time I leave the previous one. I make anywhere between 16 an hour to 22 an hour, usually, but I would rather find a job that I enjoy at a rate of around 10. Or just man the fuck up and help support your kids. Yeah, I guess that's a wise idea. 

I have wisdom, I just tend to ignore it. I probably ignore my moral compass, from time to time, as well.

Moving on, aside from writing yesterday, I did jack shit otherwise. Sat next to my book all day again. Didn't even make my bed. Didn't sketch. Most definitely didn't exercise. Well, what the fuck. Kinda makes this whole blog pointless if I don't actually fulfill any of the goals I'm after. But hey, I also wouldn't be making this blog if I could just magically fulfill goals. Quite the conundrum, I say.

Day 3

1. Write - done
2. Read - seriously, do it.
3. Sketch
4. Exercise
5. Make Bed
6. Drink Water - I think not living a constant state of dehydration will probably help.

I know adding stuff to the list when I can't even complete the list as it is probably isn't going to be all that great, but I'm optimistic today.

Where did my life go?

Let's be real, my life didn't abandon me. I abandoned my life.

My days are spent repressing everything wrong with my life. It's like I'm sitting in a dumpster with my eyes shut pretending like everything around me is perfectly fine. My mind stays oblivious, but I feel it. It comes and goes. When I'm engrossed in a good show or movie, I don't notice. It's in the empty moments that I sense the overwhelming feeling of despair. It's similar to when you know something bad is about to happen, and the anxiety of what comes next is upon you. I'm stuck in that feeling, like limbo. 

I think that maybe I need to open my eyes and take it all in, but to be honest, I'm not sure how to do that. Maybe I don't know how to face it. Perhaps I just haven't stopped long enough to think about everything that has gone wrong. It feels like every moment that I even attempt to, the anxiety becomes sharper suddenly, and I stop. In my head, I'm scared stiff. My thoughts and concentration may be stagnated by it and it can easily be a portion of what's dragging down my entire life. 

Maybe I just need to cry it out, though the idea is a bit funny to me. I haven't cried in a very long time now. Despite that, I find that I've been on the edge of tears the last couple of weeks at the most random times. I've just bottled too much stuff up over time and sacrificed too much to keep those feelings in. If I were to guess what it all boils down to, it's that I don't know how to deal or express emotion. At times when I become frustrated or angry, I also become confused because I don't know what to do with all of the emotion. This causes me to act in a bad fashion - either repressing it, or lashing out, or even breaking down in tears on rare occasion.

I disdain the use of prescription drugs, in general, but maybe it's time I withdraw all assumptions and standards and get professional help. Not sure, really. That type of thing costs money that I don't have. All I know for certain is that plenty of people would have killed themselves long before now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. That's a depressing line of thought. Moving on.

So my checklist: Read, write, exercise, make my bed. So I did write (blog post) and I  made my bed. That was it, a whopping two out of four. Great fucking job, idiot. In my defense, as far as exercising goes, I already started doing that a few days ago and was sore from the previous workout. Still, should've gone for a jog now that I think about it.

As far as reading goes, I sat next to a book for most of the day. Does that count? Lame, right?

Day 2

1. Read - Do it right this time.
2. Write - check.
3. Exercise - pushups and squats ftw
4. Make Bed - right after I click publish.
5. Sketch - I feel like drawing will help my brain as well. I think I read that somewhere on the internet so it must be true.

Fingers crossed.

The Times They Are A Changin'

   ...So why aren't I?

Not everything can change at once, but maybe if I take it one step at a time, I can change my ways. You know, maybe become a good person? I hear they exist, but those might just be rumors. Not really, I know of them. I blend in with them when I wish to, but it's only a facade. A mask that's becoming too cumbersome to carry.

That's all fairly vague. Allow me to introduce myself. I am me, I suffer from extreme laziness. An absolute lack of willpower to be exact. I'm 30 years old and have almost nothing to show for it. I was married with kids but was fairly worthless and impulsive. I really don't know how I managed to get someone to marry me in the first place, really. I mean, I wouldn't have married myself lol 

Now, I have no job, live in my parents' basement, and have no life. If there is a rock bottom, I think I may have found it (I could always be homeless, I suppose). I'm one of those deadbeat dads you hear about, unfortunately. There's obviously something wrong with me, and it all stems from being lazy. If I didn't have such a high metabolism I would be the biggest couch potato on the planet, literally. 

Even the smallest things feel like some outrageous obstacle. Fuck my life, basically. I did this to myself. I'm riddled with complacency, apathy, and carelessness. 

I'm going to change that. I'm not going to magically get up one day, and be the perfect person but I am going to start making small changes, one at a time until I am where I ought to be. 

Where to start? Here's a list of everything I don't like about myself.

• I sit around all day
• I do nothing but watch movies, shows, and fuck around on Facebook
• I'm addicted to porn
• I procrastinate like it's going out of style
• I don't follow even the most basic hygiene routines
• I smoke
• I'm indecisive
• I'm impulsive
• I'm literally getting dumber with each day
• I can't commit
• I've almost never seen anything through to its end
• I drink too much (not such a problem since I got a DUI recently)
• I'm selfish
• I can't focus at all - I'm not sure how I'm even writing this post.
• I'm as socially awkward as it gets. I'm possibly the most uncomfortable person to be around in public, and I'm oblivious to it most of the time.

I could come up with more if I wanted to, but I'll leave it at that for now. 

I could spend years unraveling all the things that contributed to me becoming who I am. That's not really important though. The only thing that is important is what I'm going to do about it.

I'm going to start off by making a checklist of daily tasks - starting off with a couple small items and adding to it over time, bit by bit. I think that will start giving me momentum. This is the intention of this blog.

 I'll save smoking for later because I'm pretty sure that would basically just be shooting myself in the foot, right off the bat.

Day 1

1. Make Bed - I've heard this is an absolute must if you want to be a productive person.
2. Exercise - I'm not going to go crazy with this and jump into the deep end of hitting the weights or anything. I'll start off with doing pushups, squats, etc.
3. Write - Hence this blog. I have to start trying to save my brain, this will help.
4. Read - Same reasoning as #3. I mean actually read, not just skim through stupid crap on the internet. I'll start off with War and Peace (I've been putting that one off for a while).

I'll leave it there for today. I've already made my bed and wrote this post, so 1 & 3 are done and only 1/4 of the day is done. 

Wish me luck.